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“Can’t you just trust us?” – Matt Cutts, Google PR chimp

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“If you’re not scared or angry at the thought of a human brain being controlled remotely, then it could be this prototype of mine is finally starting to work.” – John Alejandro King

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“I’ve always had big tits and blonde hair. That can be a terrible disadvantage.” – Helen Mirren

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“All men are equal. All men, that is, who possess umbrellas.” – EM Forster

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“There are only two ways of telling the complete truth – anonymously and posthumously.” – Thomas Sowell

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“Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the
government’s purposes are beneficient…The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in
insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well meaning but without understanding.” – Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis

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Newtonmas is a secular holiday celebrated on 25 December each year in honor of Sir Isaac Newton’s birthday. Newton was born on 25 December 1642 (OS). He made important advances in science and mathematics, held a professorship at Trinity College without joining the clergy, and according to the legend, his ideas about gravity were inspired by a falling apple. For secularists who enjoy being caught up in Christmas excitement but uncomfortable celebrating a religious holiday, his birthday fortuitously provides a convenient opportunity for non-religious celebration. (Note that Newton was born before the introduction into England of our present Gregorian calendar; if we retroactively apply that calendar backwards to include his birth, it would fall on 4 January.)

In preference to Newtonmas, some people use the term Gravmas, an abbreviation of “gravitational mass” which carries a double meaning in this context.

Like the Christmas tree, the holiday boasts a “Newtonmas Tree” — an apple tree. Some who celebrate this holiday, believing that “it’s not nice to kill trees”, substitute “something green and treelike” with apples, preferably synthetic ones, on them. Living apple trees are of course preferable; they can be festooned in place as they grow with decorations like lights and ornaments.

Gifts of knowledge are exchanged on Newtonmas morning. Popular choices are books, CDs, videos, or other media — the point is that the gifts, according to tradition, should contribute to the recipient’s intellectual development.

This was originally published on Wikipedia but has since been deleted by the forces of ignorance.

“I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature.” – Thomas Jefferson

Merry Newtonmas, people. Censorship and superstition are coming to an Interweb near you. Soon.

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“Sometimes, after societies have satisfied all their basic needs, they begin to do crazy things. Sometimes, they die of prosperity.” – Carlos Alberto Montaner

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“Society in every state is a blessing, but government even in its best state is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one.” – Thomas Paine

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“We’ve even stopped beheading people.” – Taliban spokesman

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“Books won’t stay banned. They won’t burn. Ideas won’t go to jail. In the long run of history, the censor and the inquisitor have always lost.” – Alfred Whitney Griswold

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“It is those who follow any authority blindly who are the real danger.” – Professor Philip Zimbardo

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“I’m going to go home and spend Christmas with my wife and three kids and you’re not.” – Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd talking to soldiers in Afghanistan

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“I’ve a good mind to give up living and go shopping instead.” – BB King

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“Reading through this paper now, I’d like to find the wannabe little oik that wrote this drivel and drive a ‘key stakeholder’ through his idiot brain. It’s a classic example of Politician’s Fallacy. Something must be done: here are some things. Therefore these things must be done. Why can’t these people just go away and leave us alone?” – Martin Coxall